jokes....

queen · Posted: Thu May 03, 2007 6:53 am Post subject: jokes....

[WORLD'S EASIEST QUIZ

(Passing requires 4 correct answers)

1) How long did the Hundred Years' War last?

2) Which country makes Panama hats?

3) From which animal do we get cat gut?

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?

5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?

6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?

7) What was King George VI's first name?

8) What color is a purple finch?

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?

10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?

Remember, you need 4 correct answers to pass.

Check your answers below.

ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ

1) How long did the Hundred Years War last? 116 years

2) Which country makes Panama hats? Ecuador

3) From which animal do we get cat gut? Sheep and Horses

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution? November

5) What is a camel's hair brush made of? Squirrel fur

6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal? Dogs

7) What was King George VI's first name? Albert

8) What color is a purple finch? Crimson

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from? New
Zealand

10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane? Orange (of course)

What do you mean, you failed? Me, too.

(And if you try to tell me you passed, you lie!)
_________________

Brainless Soldier · Joined: 28 Apr 2007 Posts: 31 Location: not sure

One that I found yesterday:

Football Pre-Draft Exam
1. What language is spoken in France?
2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions -OR- give the first name of Pierre Trudeau.
3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to (a) build a bridge (b) sail the ocean (c) lead an army or (d) WRITE A PLAY.
4. What religion is the Pope? (a) Jewish (b) Catholic (c) Hindu (d) Polish (e) Agnostic (check only one)
5. Metric conversion. How many feet is 0.0 meters?
6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 5?
7. How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately)
8. What are people in America's far north called? (a) Westerners (b) Southerners (c) Northerners
9. Spell--Bush, Carter and Clinton
10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the Sixth. Name the previous five.
11. Where does rain come from? (a) Macy's (b) a 7-11 (c) Canada (d) the sky
12. Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity? (a) yes (b) no
13. What are coat hangers used for?
14. The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for what country?
15. Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium -OR- spell your name in BLOCK LETTERS.
16. Where is the basement in a three story building located?
17. Which part of America produces the most oranges? (a) New York (b) Florida (c) Canada (d) Wisconsin
18. Advanced math. If you have three apples how many apples do you have?
19. What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corp.) stand for?
You must answer three or more questions correctly to qualify for this year's team!

Not sure about you guys, but this was pretty hard for me. :D :D
_________________

Don't argue with an idiot, they will bring you down to their level and beat you with experience.

jen · Posted: Thu May 03, 2007 7:02 pm Post subject:

101 Ways To Annoy People
1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly.

2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage."

3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."

4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeep Bip..."

5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.

6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen. <

7. Speak only in a "robot" voice.

8. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.

9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub".

10. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 98 copies.

11. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.

12. Sniffle incessantly.

13. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.

14. Name your dog "Dog." 15. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."

16. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."

17. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training."

18. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace".

19. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot."

20. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with Lysol.

21. Practice making fax and modem noises.

22. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc:" them to your boss.

23. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.

24. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.

25. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a "spider person."

26. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with the prophesy."

27. Wear a special hip holster for your
remote control.

28. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.

29. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.

30. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.

31. Give a play-by-play account of a persons every action in a nasal Howard Cosell voice.

32. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.

33. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."

34. Drum on every available surface.

35. Staple papers in the middle of the page.

36. Ask 1-800 operators for dates.

37. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copyright warnings.

38. Sew anti-theft detector strips
into peoples backpacks.

39. Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.

40. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.

41. Set alarms for random times.

42. Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.

43. Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving.

44. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.

45. Honk and wave to strangers.

46. Dress only in clothes colored Hunters Orange.

47. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.

48. Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies.

49. Wear your pants backwards.

50. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.

51. Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"

52. ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.

53. only type in lowercase.

54. dont use any punctuation either

55. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.

56. Pay for your dinner with pennies.

57. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.

58. Repeat everything someone says, as a question.

59. Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps.

60. Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination/UFO/ O.J Simpson conspiracy theories.

61. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, its gone now."

62. Light road flares on a birthday cake.

63. Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.

64. Leave tips in Bolivian currency.

65. Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador."

66. At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.

67. When Christmas caroling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained.

68. Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One."

69. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.

70. Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.

71. Pretend your computer's mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.

72. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.

73. Drive half a block.

74. Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.

75. Ask people what gender they are.

76. Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back.

77. Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern drawl.

78. Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes".

79. Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers brains, such as "Feliz Navidad", the Archies "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song.

80. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head. like a parakeet.

81. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.

82. Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.

83. Change your name to "AaJohn Aaaaasmith" for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each "a."

84. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

85. Chew on pens that you've borrowed.

86. Wear a LOT of cologne.

87. Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing."

88. Sing along at the opera.

89. Mow your lawn with scissors.

90. At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batabatabata-suhWING-batter!"

91. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend."

92. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.

93. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something
about "psychological profiles."

94. Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture."

95. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.

96. Never make eye contact.

97. Never break eye contact.

98. Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.

99. Construct your own pretend "tricorder," and "scan" people with it, announcing the results.

100. Make appointments for the 31st of September.

101. Invite lots of people to other people's parties.

Star Wars Kid · valued friend Joined: 03 May 2007 Posts: 12 Location: Here

Aww man...I liked 20...and 30...and 84...So here's a quickie: What starts with "P" and ends with "orn"??
:evil:
:twisted:
:evil:
:twisted:
:evil:
:twisted:
:evil:
:twisted:
:evil:
:twisted:
:evil:
:twisted:
POPCORN YOU PERVERT!!!!!!!!
_________________
"He who dies with the most toys, is nonethless, still dead." -Author unknown

Eva Plague · valued member Joined: 01 May 2007 Posts: 13

102. Write 101 things that are annoying and ask ppl to read them all. J/K, but really I could only get to 72 before I had to stop. The one that I do remember the most though is the Lego one. IDK Y but I have actually gotten very upset because someone did that. Funny huh, especially since I am old and I still play with them, Hee Hee. Kid forever!!!!
_________________
:twisted:

queen · Posted: Tue May 08, 2007 9:41 am Post subject:

STAY ALERT! They walk among us ... and they REPRODUCE

IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD:

I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the
local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer
Crossing sign on our road.
The reason:
"Too many deer are being hit by cars out here!
I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore."
From Kingman , KS
______________________________________________________

IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE:

My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked
the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.
He was a Chef?
Yep...From Kansas City !
____________________________________________

IDIOT SIGHTING:

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport
employee asked,!
"Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?
To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I
know?"
He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."
Happened in Birmingham , Ala.
_______________________________________________________

IDIOT SIGHTING:

The stoplight on the corner buzzes when its safe to cross the street.
I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine.
She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for.
I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing
driving?!"
She was a probation officer in Wichita , KS
___________________________________________________

IDIOT SIGHTING:

At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker.
She was leaving the company due to "downsizing."
Our manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this
more often."
Not another word was spoken.
We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights
stare.
This was a bunch at Texas Instruments.
________________________________________

IDIOT SIGHTING:

I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into
itself and for the sake of her own life, couldn't understand why her system
would not turn on.
A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office no less.
____________________________________________________

IDIOT SIGHTING:

When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up
our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service
department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the drivers
side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried
the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to
the technician, "its open!"
His reply, "I know - I already got that side."
This was at the Ford dealership in Canton , Mississippi !
_____
_________________

jen · Posted: Tue May 08, 2007 3:13 pm Post subject:

queen · Posted: Fri May 11, 2007 4:19 pm Post subject:

LIVING WILL INFORMATION

While I was watching the football games last weekend, my wife, (or significant other), and I got into a conversation about life and death, and the need for living wills. During the course of the conversation I told her that I never wanted to exist in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and taking fluids from a bottle.

She got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all my beer.

Sometimes it's tough being married to a smartaleck.
_________________

queen · Posted: Sat May 12, 2007 1:13 pm Post subject:

I Danced with my neighbor because I'm sexy and I do what I want!

This is TOO funny - type out the sentence you end up with, in the
subject line and move it along......DON'T LEAVE ME HANGING ALONE

Pick the month you were born:
January------I kicked
February-----I loved
March---------I karate chopped
April-----------I licked
May-----------I jumped on
June----------I smelled
July-----------I did the Macarena with
August-------I had lunch with
September---I danced with
October------I sang to
November----I yelled at
December----I ran over

Pick the day (number) you were born on:
1- ------a birdbath
2-------a monster
3-------a phone
4-------a fork
5-------a snowman
6-------a gangster
7-------my cell phone
8-------my dog
9-------my best friends' boyfriend
10-------my neighbor
11-------my science teacher
12-------a banana
13-------a fireman
14-------a stuffed animal
15-------a goat
16-------a pickle
17-------your mom
18---- ---a spoon
19------- a smurf
20-------a baseball bat
21-------a ninja
22-------Chuck Norris
23-------a noodle
24-------a squirrel
25-------a football player
26-------my sister
27-------my brother
28-------an ipod
29-------a surfer
30-------a llama
31-------A homeless guy

Pick the color of shirt you are wearing:
White--------because I'm cool like that
Black---------because that's how I roll.
Pink----------because I'm NOT crazy.
Red----------because the voices told me to .
Blue----------because I'm sexy and I do what I want
Green---------because I think I need some serious help.
Purple--------because I'm AWESOME!
Gray----------because Big Bird said to and he's my leader.
Yellow-----because someone offered me 1,000,000 dollars
Orange-------because my family thinks I'm stupid anyway.
Brown--------because I can.
Other---------because I'm a Ninja !
None----------because I can't control myself!
_________________

Brainless Soldier · Joined: 28 Apr 2007 Posts: 31 Location: not sure

Yay i'm the second sentence! But your right queen, this is pretty funny.
_________________

Don't argue with an idiot, they will bring you down to their level and beat you with experience.

jen · Posted: Sat May 12, 2007 11:43 pm Post subject:

Star Wars Kid · valued friend Joined: 03 May 2007 Posts: 12 Location: Here

I had lunch with a noodle cuz that's how I roll...lol, he was delicious.
_________________
"He who dies with the most toys, is nonethless, still dead." -Author unknown

jen · Posted: Mon May 14, 2007 3:19 pm Post subject:

this not to funny but it not my joke

Q. What did God say after creating Adam
A. I must be able to do better than that.

Q. How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
A. Put the remote control between his toes.

Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A. A widow.

Q. Why does it take 1 million sperm cells to fertilize one egg?
A. They won't stop to ask for directions.

Q. Why does a penis have a hole in the end?
A. So men can be open minded.

Q. How are men and parking spots alike?
A. Good ones are always taken. Free ones are mostly handicapped or extremely small.

Q. What is the one thing that all men at single bars have in common?
A. They are all married.
_________________
To aquire knowledge one must study. To aquire wisdom one must observe.

queen · Posted: Tue May 15, 2007 9:35 am Post subject:

Things to do at Wal-Mart

15 Things to do at Wal-Mart while your spouse/partner is taking their
sweet time:

1. Get 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in peoples carts when
they aren't looking.

2. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute
intervals.

3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the restrooms.

4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone,"Code
3' in house wares ......... and see what happens.

5. Go to the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.

6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers
you'll invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding
department.

8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask,
"Why can't people just leave me alone?"

9. Look right into the security camera; use it as a mirror, and pick
your nose.

10. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if
he knows where the anti--depressants are.

11. Dart around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission
Impossible" theme.

12. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna look" using
different size funnels.

13. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, say "PICK
ME, PICK ME!"

14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the
fetal position and scream "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"

( And; last, but not least!)

15. Go into a fitting room and shut the door and wait a while; and,
then,
yell,very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"
_________________

jen · Posted: Tue May 15, 2007 3:21 pm Post subject:

10 things in golf that sound dirty
1. Look at the size of his putter.

2. Oh, dang, my shaft's all bent.

3. You really wacked the hell out of that sucker.

4. After 18 holes I can barely walk.

5. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.

6. Lift your head and spread your legs.

7. You have a nice stroke, but your follow through leaves a lot to be desired.

8. Just turn your back and drop it.

9. Hold up. I've got to wash my balls.

10. Damn, I missed the hole again.
_________________
To aquire knowledge one must study. To aquire wisdom one must observe.